Reconcile

Over the years I believe that I have become more capable of seeing things from various perspectives.  Even when I get pissed off these days, I'm usually pretty good at keeping it to myself, taking a deep breath and considering where the other person is coming from.

My parents are total opposites, but one thing they have in common is that they have both always encouraged me to take a step back from my own feelings.  To problem-solve instead of creating conflict by only thinking of myself.  I feel I benefit by each of their views on the world and the people in it.  And I feel like I finally, after many years, have met that challenge of not just thinking about my own view on things.

I am also very lucky in my friends.  Whomever I call with a problem won't just take my side, they'll try to help me understand.  Granted, there are times when you just want someone to commiserate.  But as I've grown older and seen more of the world, I feel like it's a lot healthier for me to gain more understanding, to try to see why people act the way they do.  In most cases, just realizing that the issue isn't what you thought can help you move past it.  And forgiving people, letting things go, does you the greater service anyway.

So here's the not-so-great part.  As hard as I try to understand other people...  As much as I want to move forward...  I have a friend I can't quite forgive.  Trust that was broken in a very strange way.  And even though I'm not actively angry, I can't reconcile my feelings with his.  It's crazy that you can miss someone so much, but feel like you just can't let them back in.  With all the perspective this life has granted me so far, it's quite sad to not be able to just forgive someone whom I love so much.

Which leads me to the conclusion that perspective doesn't always solve problems.  While I'm glad to have it, sometimes the hurt isn't so easily healed.  I feel like I should be ending with something more positive, but sometimes things end badly.

Sometimes things are

just what they are

and nothing more.

Reconsider

February's theme for BlogHer's NaBloPoMo is Perspective.  I write about this a bit already, but I'm more than happy to devote a month to it.  I say that as if I've written every single day for any of these months.  Le sigh.  All I can promise is that I will write when I can and I will endeavor to do it daily.  While I am happier when I write every day, I'll be honest - I only publish half-ass posts on occasion.  I usually spend quite a bit of time writing, re-writing, talking to Meg and Mary and Seth about the topic, etc.  And I like that process.  I enjoy everything that goes into LostGirls.  But I recognize that I do need to work on being able to write a quick post on the day's events/current prompt/current subject/what-have-you without dissecting it, then putting it back together.  It's a hard habit to break.  In honor of this month's theme, I'd love to hear someone else's perspective on the matter.  Hope to hear from you, whomever ye may be.

Oh, and this month is also a chance to work on my photography.  Something which I'm not terribly good at, but that just means I could use the practice.  I don't have anything today, but I'll work on it!

Jess

An Open Letter to a Ghost

You want the world to change for you.  But you don't want to have to work for it.  You just won't fight.  Not for me, not for love, not for your own happiness, even in your day to day life.  As my friend Jessie said today, it takes effort and bravery to make things better.  If you want this year to be different from the last, if you want your life to be better, you must fight for it.

The funny thing is that the moment you put in that effort, good things will start coming your way.  But if you sit at home or at the bar, feeling sorry for yourself, doing nothing to change your own life, then nothing will continue to happen.

I was willing to put up a pretty good fight for you.  I was willing to make compromises and learn new things and risk a lot.  But no matter how much I put into it, if there is nothing at all on the other side, nothing even trying to balance me out, then all I can do is get over you.  I have to move on.  I can't be in love with a ghost, a shadow, an idea.  And though I imagine I will love you no less, I can't be in love with you anymore.  I mean, I don't know how to stop, but I know that I have to try.  Because my life actually does depend on it.  I can't move forward with anything else when I am constantly struggling alone for something that should always be a two-man effort.  

I proved to myself this year that I am braver than I ever thought I was.  I put my heart out there and I don't regret having tried.   And even though I'm pulling away right now, the sad truth is that I want nothing more than to stay standing still because I know how much I'm going to miss you.  But I also know how much I will regret stagnating, constantly waiting for you to change your mind.  And I know I'm worth more than that.  I know I deserve better.  I just wish that you did.  And hell, maybe you do.  Maybe the truth is that you simply don't think I'm worth it.  The thing is, I have no way of knowing.  And the worst of this has been the non-committal responses, the maybe-ifs, the "you're special."  Fuck that.  What the hell does that even mean?  Don't tell me I'm special to you and then refuse to define it.  It is confusing and all it does is create more heartache.

My hope for you, for all of you, is that 2014 will be a year of clarity and hope.  But if you want it to be good, you're going to have to work for it.  And that's exactly what I'm going to be doing.