Subtlety or Subterfuge?

While I admire subtlety and diplomacy in people, when possible, I view it more as trickery when it comes to a media publication.  What am I on about?  Well, I recently discovered a magazine (it will remain unnamed only because I have no intention of giving them free advertising) which I believe to be a bit deceptive.  And I find that deception downright creepy.

Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. - Oliver Herford

I may not ever decide to pick up a copy of, say, Garden and Gun, but I am glad to know quickly what they're about.  Then there are magazines like Lucky Peach - you may not know by the title that it's a foodie magazine written by some well-known chefs, but you don't need to look past the cover of any issue to understand its basic premise.

The first things that bothers me is the idea of creating a magazine that claims to be a lot of things, but buries a major part of its own agenda.  I do not know if the intention is to deceive, but when a magazine is created to target young women and nothing said or shown on the cover hints at one of its most basic aims...well, it feels a bit like luring people in under false pretenses.

Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. - Oliver Herford

The discovery of this magazine, for me, comes at a time when I am first hearing all about the "anti-feminist movement."  Really disheartening.  Even disturbing.  And I'll be writing about that in a separate post - but I realize that I may be more sensitive to this type of possible deviousness put into print because I'm realizing just how many women think that feminism isn't necessary.  Or, worse, some sort of evil.

I fear a magazine that hides the agenda of bringing women back into an age when virtue and modesty were their most important attributes is likely to be poisonous to the generation of girls in this country who are now entering into womanhood.  I would prefer they learn Caitlin Moran's version of how to be a woman over someone else's idea of it being an art that one must  not only learn, but practice in order to be accepted/loved/whatnot.  I fear this.  I am actually frightened for this generation.

So if you're looking for a magazine to pass the time and you aren't interested in a feminist publication, let me start you out with a few recommendations:

Mental Floss will trick you into learning things by being hilarious and downright interesting.

Lucky Peach will broaden your understanding of food culture and the writing is excellent.

Psychology Today is another cerebral gem and not as fuddy-duddy as it might sound.

I have mixed feelings about the alternative women's magazine Bust, but not about editor Debbie Stoller (the creator of Stitch 'n Bitch).

And if you're looking for high fashion and exceptional interviews, the UK's Lula may be pricey, but is said to be well worth it.

Day 6: Sisterhood

Have you ever tried Loacker Quadratini?  I have.  Just now.  I ate a whole box of them.  A sure sign of impending doom (for everyone else) and impending bloodiness (for me).


To completely change the subject: I was talking to my friend Lesleigh last night about the joys of being friends with women.  She grew up with mostly female friends and the women in her immediate family outnumber the men.  I, on the other hand, was raised by wolves.  After my parents divorced, and as the first female in three generations of my father's family, I was surrounded by a rabid pack...of boys.  Not to mention grown men who paled at the sight of tampons and became befuddled by any show of emotion.  They did the best they could, but really, I think it was challenging for everyone involved.  And that is how I ended up with mostly guy friends for many years.  I had the occasional close girlfriend, but the majority of the group were always boys.  It wasn't until my late 20s that I developed close bonds with numerous girls.  I believe this had something to do with the fact that all my guy friends started getting married and weren't allowed to have female friends anymore.  I count myself lucky that one of my best friends (I have two, but we are all three each other's besties), Glenn, is married to a woman who isn't threatened by other women.  And has, in fact, become my good friend, as well.


Despite our very different upbringings, Lesleigh and I have this in common: We both enjoy working with mostly women (and we happen to be quite fortunate in that we work with a diverse group of awesome, strong, intelligent women right now).  We both have many female friends and enjoy that sisterhood.  And neither of us can understand women who compete with other women viciously.  It's one thing to get along better with guys - to each her own.  But to dislike all women?  What the hell?  Do these women hate themselves?  


I believe they are missing out.  Much as I love Glenn, who has pretty much reached sibling status by now, there are things I can talk to his wife or my other best friend about that I simply wouldn't subject him to.  Over the years, my female friends and I have conquered many topics that a lot of women simply don't talk about with anyone (and sometimes we're even sober).  Miscarriages and breastfeeding are the first two that come to mind.  Miscarriages happen a lot to women of all ages, and yet I've had conversations with friends who didn't feel that they could talk to anyone else about their experience because they would be judged.  Judged as too emotional about a pregnancy that didn't even make it to the end of the first trimester.  Or judged as barren, regardless of having several miscarriages or just one.  Worse, women who find out they can't have children and are treated like they don't count as women anymore.  We are not just babymaking machines.  I, myself, don't know that I'll even have kids.  And if I don't, I will feel no more or less a woman.


As far as breastfeeding, a few years ago one of my friends was having a hard time with it and the hospital she was at was not as helpful as, I believe, they should have been.  I asked a bunch of women I knew if they'd have difficulty or heard of any solutions and found, in the process, that again, a lot of women (especially first-time mothers, but for some women it's every time) have trouble with breastfeeding.  Mostost of the time hot showers, a good heating pad and perseverance are all it takes to overcome it (the question is, why did the Lactation Consultant tell my friend any of these things?!).  Oh, and, it should go without saying: support.  Support should be given by everyone for the new mom.  This person just carried another human being around inside her for several months!  This does not become less amazing to me, no matter how many times women have their innards shifted around to make room for a new person.  And then the choice (if there even is one) is between pushing it out through a hole that isn't actually big enough or being sliced open.  In return for this, some women are either treated like they're incompetent or told that they are bad mothers because they're having a hard time breastfeeding, or because they've finally given up because it just wasn't working.  Why would any woman treat another so horribly?  And why, god, why would any man think it was okay, for even one moment, to criticize someone who has just done something that it is impossible for his body to do at all?  A little respect, please.
 

The point of all this ranting is that we do need each other.  Just as much as we need to be around other people, in general, who we have things in common with.  When I decided to quit my job as an Emergency Dispatcher, I called a friend who had just quit the same job at the same agency.  I still tell people, when they ask about that experience, that I feel forever indebted to the friend who helped me out of that situation.  She helped me keep my sanity, leave that position on good terms and transfer to another job so I wouldn't end up unemployed.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to devalue the friendships I have with men, but we are different.  And that's great!  I want to have people in my life who don't have all the exact same experiences that I've had.  How else would I get perspective?!

But I imagine my life would become difficult very quickly if I stopped relying on the women in my life for support, conversation, advice in hard situations.  And you cannot put a price on being the first person a girlfriend thinks of when she needs advice, someone to lean on, someone to get drunk with after a bad day or just someone to get it, without saying a word.  So this super-ranty post is dedicated to all you girls.  All the women in my life who have shaped me and helped me grow.  I am so thankful that all of you are in my sisterhood.