Voices in My Head

Today's writing prompt:

How is your writing voice like you?  How does your writing voice differ from you?

I have always been told that I write exactly the way that I talk to people.  I take that as a compliment, since I'm guessing it means my writing isn't stilted or dry.  But I do think I'm a hell of a lot funnier and weirder in person.  I also edit the heck out of my writing for this blog, because it's not just about me.  Which I know is a funny thing to say what with this month's NaBloPoMo theme being SELF.

Bzz Bzz Bzz

There are some nights when I can't sleep because there are too many thoughts zipping around in my head.

I'll try to read in bed, but find that I'm traveling down a different road of thought than what is on the page.  And then another one intervenes.  And another.  And another.  They might be somewhat related, but they're aren't in line enough to work well together.  It's like my brain is filled with buzzing coming from too many different places, bzz bzz bzzes colliding in mid air.

That is when I know that I need to write.  And when I sit down to do so I don't use any kind of format because this kind of mental disorganization needs to be documented as is, so it can be sorted out later.  It's certainly not going to allow any sorting beforehand.

Sometimes I feel like paper and ink.  Sometimes I want the rhythm of clacking keys (as much as they "clack" anymore) to keep me company.  Either way, I let word after word flow out of me, even if they don't go together.  I ignore grammar and punctuation, which I'm usually such a snob about.  I write for the sake of emptying my head and I write until I have no energy left.

And then I sleep soundly.

If I haven't figured it out by the time I'm that tired, at least my mind doesn't feel like it's full of bees anymore.  

   

Day 31: And done.

I had so many good ideas rolling around in my head throughout the course of my day...but I didn't write a single one of them down.  Now they're just snippets, like wisps of cloud, floating off into the ether.  Ah well, when you have nothing left to write about, there's always writer's block:

My lord, there are a lot of books on this subject.  My own theory is that if you actually force yourself to write something, anything, you'll eventually get to where you wanted to go.  What gets in the way is that we procrastinate, we insist on writing about only one thing, we insist on sticking with one project instead of letting ourselves drain off the excess so we can get back to where we need to be, and we believe everything has to be absolutely perfect, then freak ourselves out that it isn't just right and therefore shouldn't be in print.

It is all in our heads.  You may say, "Well, duh."  But that's not what I mean.  It's not that you have run out of ideas or have lost your creativity.  You're just being stubborn and/or afraid and, really, a pain in your own arse.

I believe that what we want to write wants to be written. I believe that as I have an impulse to create, the something I want to create has an impulse to want to be born. My job, then, is to show up on the page and let that something move through me, in a sense, what wants to be written is none of my business. 

- Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

I have to remind myself when I get in those moods to just sit down and write anything that comes, even if it's the same sentence over and over again.  As long as my fingers are moving on a keyboard or I've put pen to paper, I'll be fine - I just need to keep going and I'll get there.  Regardless of where the current "there" happens to be.

In other news, I feel that I have successfully finished this month's NaBloPoMo and beaten my own writer's block for the past 31 days (with exception of those two days that we won't mention, eh?).  I have really enjoyed being a part of this project and have just decided that I'm going to sign up for February's NaBloPoMo, but since I'll be spending a lot of time thinking about future moving plans, I don't know that it will be daily.  More on that in tomorrow's post!

Unless the dentist drugs me and I end up sleeping all day...

Day 30ish: Avoidance

I started writing this post on Wednesday in the late morning.  It wasn't until after midnight that I realized  I'd been doing all kinds of things to avoid finishing it.  My day was extremely productive.  Laundry done and put away.  Scarf for Jenn finally completed.  More boxes packed and moved to the garage.  I even snuck in a bit of television while crocheting and waiting for the laundry to finish.  But I avoided my computer.

It's not that, after almost an entire month of writing daily, I don't know what to write about anymore.  There is always inspiration out there.  All one has to do is look.

No, my avoidance is due to knowing I have to face a harsh reality.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I do not regret having moved to the DC Area.  The two biggest reasons are (1) I finally got this blog started and look, it's still going - who knew?  And (2) I finally had a chance to apply at the company I'd always wanted to work for and figure out if it would be the right fit for me.  And though it isn't the exact fit I'd hoped it would be, it is still a job I want to always have, even if I can only do it part-time.  Really, it's less a job and more a hobby I get paid for.

But the hard, cold truth is that I was better off financially in California.  I had a stable job that paid well and could have moved out of my own place and in with a roommate to save money.  And eventually I could have afforded to move to Seattle, which was my long-term goal for the last year or so before I left.  I gave up stability to pursue dreams.  Sometimes you have to do that and there is certainly nothing wrong with that...as long as you don't run off in desperation...which is basically what I did, I realize now.  I have minded living paycheck to paycheck (and barely that) much less than I thought I would.  I've become frugal and careful and I'm pretty sure it's what got me into crochet (all the yarn I have was given to me by Mary, so I've only paid for a few hooks and stitch markers).

She hoped to be wise and reasonable in time; but alas! Alas! She must confess to herself that she was not wise yet.
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

However, I've also come to the realization that as amazing as DC is (especially the museums), the DC Metro Area is not a good fit for me.  I imagine if you compare the San Francisco Bay Area to DC, then to Seattle, you'll know exactly what I mean and wonder what the hell made me think this would all work out.  But I don't hate living here.  I just know it isn't the right place for me to stay.  And the problem is that I'm not young enough to be living the way I am right now in an area I don't have much interest in.

Another unfortunate truth is that I don't have any money to move.  Which isn't to say that it won't happen, it just means I have to...retrench.  And yes, I have been watching Persuasion too much lately.  Even if I don't mind the idea of cutting some costs where I can, the reality is that it will take a while to save up for this move no matter what I do.  Unless I prostitute myself, but then I'd probably get caught and go to jail and have to pay back whomever bailed me out, so let's not even think it.

So there you have it, all the little truths I've been avoiding because I don't like the sound of them, even when it's only in my head.  It isn't horrible, it's something to work towards, a light at the end of the tunnel.  But it still stinks.  Just a bit.

"I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives."
― Mrs. Croft (Jane Austen, Persuasion)

Day 21: To Whom It May Concern

Effing cover letters.  Can't stand 'em.  There are few things I loathe more than writing cover letters (writing my resume is right up there, also onions...and fish).

I can do technical writing, but form letters are not exactly my cup of tea.  And cover letters are supposed to have some form...and yet stand out...you know, be uniform...but be unique...list some basics...but go into detail...but not too much...and no repetition from your resume...and know the company you're applying for...but know yourself, too...and oh my sweet lord shut the hell up.

((sigh))

You'd think that since I'm applying for a job that I'm just crazy for, it would be a bit easier.  Especially when the company actually wants people who think a bit differently (and doesn't that just sum me up?).  You'd think that with all the writing I do (on a daily basis, at this point), I'd be typing away happily and shooting off fabulously worded cover letters that knock the socks off every possible employer.

But all I can think is, that whatever I write, it won't be something they haven't read before.  How do you stand out to a company that has so many brilliant and interesting people already working there?  And I don't mean that I'm afraid I wouldn't stand out once there - I have confidence in my abilities once I have the job, it's all the preliminaries that freak me out.  It's both selling myself and having to do it in a specific way.  It feels inflexible, but like I still have to find a way to be creative.

Cover letters are the spawn of Satan.  I'm just saying.

   

Day 19: I Can't Believe I've Made It This Far...

Astounding.  Shocking.  Stunning.  All in a good way.  I've actually managed to post everyday for 18 (now 19) days.  I think I had convinced myself that I would run out of things to write about.  Which is funny...it's not like you run out of things to think about or talk about with friends or that life isn't chock full of interesting things, if only you'll take the time to look around once in awhile.

Here's the other thing (for me, personally)...  I do more when I'm writing regularly.  I get more errands and chores done.  I cook more.  I crochet more.  I think more about how to move forward in life, in general.  Writing helps me get centered.  It organizes my brain, compartmentalizing all the crap that doesn't need to be at the forefront, letting me get to the good stuff.  And it's as simple as showing up at the page every day.  Why do we try to complicate such a simple thing?

Check back with me in a month...