That First Post

The first post I wrote for LostGirls, The End in the Beginning, was meant to illustrate that to begin something long-lasting, we have to end the cycle of self-sabotage.  We are, too often, our own worst enemies when it comes to achieving our goals.  We create doubt that has no business being there.  And we keep ourselves from realizing our own dreams.  And yet, at the same time, we're encouraging everyone else to shoot for the moon.

Having just re-read that first post, I realize I should probably read it again once a month, to remind myself why I still haven't given up on LostGirls.  Things have certainly changed.  LostGirls is no longer comprised of five sites and the four sister site subjects don't get equal attention anymore.  Once I started a new job, I realized that five sites would be unmanageable for one administrator and I would lose some of the time I revel in to brainstorm with Meg, discuss writing with Mary and attempt to understand science with Seth.  I do believe this was the right decision.  It is a cleaner format and allows me to take a hiatus when I need to, say...move across the country, without feeling like I'm letting down not only my readers, but the group of 10-15 people who comprise a sort of casual committee for this site.

And that, I believe, is the thing that has most gone by the wayside.  So let me express, again, that LostGirls remains a project shared by many people.  And that anyone who visits is welcome to become a bigger part of it.  In the end, LostGirls is not just about feeling lost, it's about connecting and/or reconnecting.  And even when you don't see anyone's name but mine, this blog is nothing without the support that I get from the other contributors, that loose little committee and from reading the work of others.  It's one of the reasons I take part in BlogHer's NaBloPoMo.

This is our project.  For those who know what it is to feel a little lost.  In our travels, moving to a new place, learning a new skill.  Or just in life, in general.

-Jess

P.S.

Some inspiration we've benefited from:

Bleeding Espresso / Start Where You Finish

Once in a Lifetime Travel / Top Ten: Reasons Traveling with Kids is Cool

Life, the Universe and Lani / Who Do You Write For?

Porch Philosophy / When Your Child is an Atheist

Day 14: Quit Quitting Quitter!

When I first started working on this blog (long before actually putting it up and publishing anything on it), I decided to look at the way successful bloggers run their sites.  Instead of looking only at sites that would be similar to what I wanted to do, I examined the blogs that I love to read.  I figured, if I liked these blogs so much that I make a point to regularly stop by them, that must be a good place to start.

There is a long list of blogs I checked out back then, which included blogs that were forwarded to me from other future contributors and friends on the LostGirls Ideas Committee.  But the one that stuck with me, even though I don't follow the same general formula, was The Pioneer Woman.  I already knew I liked Ree Drummond from her cooking show (which was my Saturday morning zen moment, before I worked Saturdays) and had started reading her blog a few months before deciding to create this one.  The particular post that stuck with me, the one I still keep bookmarked, was actually forwarded to me by my mom: Ten Important Things I've Learned About Blogging.

Blog often.

Whether you write a sixteen-paragraph essay about the cosmic implications of a free market system, a one-paragraph description of what happens to your soul when you walk into your godforsaken laundry room, or a simple photo and caption, consider your blog a precious bloom that requires daily nurturing.

And watering.

If you water a plant once every two weeks, it will shrivel.

Unless that plant is a cactus, and then it would thrive.

And to tell you the truth, I really can’t figure out how a cactus fits into this analogy, so forget I brought it up.

"Blog often" was her #2 and it was the first time I really thought about how often I visited my list o' blogs - which is to say daily.  And if a blogger didn't post something for a few days, I might not remember to go back.  Not because I was mad at them, but just because it was part of my daily routine and if there was nothing there to see, it just kind of fell off the list.  Which is exactly what happened to LostGirls in the past few months.  Posts from any of us became less and less frequent and I had to consider whether I would give up this blog, as well, or try something new.  Which is how NaBloPoMo and BlogHer became a part of our lives.

If you have writer’s block, push through and blog anyway.

I posted the first chapter of Black Heels on a morning when I woke up with the most raging case of writer’s block, I couldn’t even type my name.

I was sure you’d hate it, but I posted it anyway.

I went on to write forty-plus more chapters.

What if I’d given in to my writer’s block and decided not to blog that day?

This is one of those things that you learn...and you know it's true...but you still have days when you just don't want to do it.  I felt like that today when I got up.  I felt like that for most of December, too.  And I talk about December's NaBloPoMo (my first attempt) as being a failure, but it's not because I didn't write every single day - it's because I gave up writing at all at one point.  I treated it like missing one day, or even a few days, was the end of the world.  Probably because of that whole falling off the list thing that I know happens.

For this month's NaBloPoMo, I'm making an effort to post something every single day.  But if I miss a day, I'm not going to just give it up altogether.  I'm going to remember what my dad told me, when I was last trying to quit smoking.  He said that if you have a particularly bad day and you feel you really need to smoke, do it.  But then quit again the next day.  I couldn't believe my father was saying this to me, but it actually does make sense.  For years I'd tried to quit and kept screwing up and not forgiving myself for it.  It's now been over a year since I quit.  I had a weak moment when I first moved to Virginia, but even on my worst days in the last few months, I haven't actually been tempted to go buy a pack.  And part of it, for those out there trying to get loved ones to quit, was that my dad used positive reinforcement.  He told me it was okay.  I don't know why I needed to hear that, but it seems I did.


If I can quit smoking, I can certainly use the same method to keep blogging.  And instead of punishing myself when I screw up, I'm going to put on my big girl pants and get back to it.

The End in the Beginning

When I finally decided to brave the blogging world again and put the five LostGirls sites together, I had only written blogs of a more personal nature, meant for friends and family.  The blogs I wrote before did not cover a wide range of topics and, since I was feeling very stuck in my life, they were often used as a place to go and whine about what was missing.  At some point, I realized that they weren't helping me get unstuck and I wondered if blogging (the way I perceived it at the time) was part of the problem.  So I stopped writing altogether.

How We Get in Our Own Way

When I first started thinking about the LostGirls project, before I’d ever voiced it to anyone, it was a meek little mouse of an idea, terrified of coming into the light.  I was convinced that I could never really make it work, that mentioning it to anyone would be pointless, that they would just assume I would fail.  I hadn’t even come up with the full concept yet and I was already talking myself out of it.  During one of those conversations where you talk about all the things that you could be doing, my stepmother made me realize that I had to work out what had gotten in the way before.  

As it turns out, the only thing that ever stood in my way was me.  My negativity, my perception of what a blog should be.  My unwillingness to leave my comfort zone.  I had only ever had support from friends and family, most of all my parents, who both contributed to past projects, so I had only myself to blame for all the fear mongering.  It’s hard to face this kind of revelation, but it was also the chance to change something that had kept me stuck for years.  A chance for a real change in my life, as a whole. 

I asked my mom and my stepmom if they ever make ridiculous excuses to avoid doing things that they know are good for them.  They both laughed knowingly.  I don’t know if men do this, but the more I talk to women about it, the more stories I collect about this type of self-sabotage.  One friend told me that she would make what seemed (in her own mind) like reasonable excuses not to go to the gym.  Basically, if the stars didn't align just right, she'd put it off.  She would then keep putting it off till she had killed her exercise regimen and then she had the excuse that it was just too hard to start over.  At some point, she ended her gym membership because it was a waste of money if she didn't even go.

As for me, I once made a rule for myself that if I did not sit down first thing in the morning and write three pages in my journal, then I wasn't going to get the desired results and should just wait till the next day.  Days would turn into weeks, weeks into months, and then one day I’d decide to write something.  And I would be shocked when writer's block would set in, obviously in denial that I had done it to myself.

The idea that either of these excuses would be remotely justifiable is, of course, ridiculous.  But until we really look at how we get in the way of finding our own happiness, it is awfully easy to stay stuck.  The worst part is that it is entirely up to each of us to change our own lives.  This is, of course, also the best part.  Guess what?  It's up to you - no one else.  

Scary, huh?

Although I can’t pin down the exact turning point for me, as a writer and a blogger,  I can say that the decision to create LostGirls, and its sister sites, came from a desire not just to do something different for myself, but to offer something different to the women I know and other women like us.  A place to go learn.  Go discuss.  Go do. 

In the last two months that I have been working on these sites (formatting, writing, getting advertising, etc.), I have shared bits and pieces of this project with a lot of people and shared the whole of it with a few very special folks.  What I’ve found is that, even more amazing than having people support you and what you’re doing, is having them want to do it with you because they like the idea for themselves. 

This is our project.  Five sites by and for women who know what it is to feel a little lost.  In our travels.  Moving to a new place.  Learning a new skill.  Or just in life, in general.