The Silence Stops Now

A friend of mine posted a link to an article the other day that inspired this post.  Part of the inspiration was about things being said that really needed to be, but that no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge.  The other part of it was that I found the article so hostile and raw (which is absolutely appropriate for the site that it's posted on) that I wanted to address it in such a way as to reach those people who might turn away from something so strongly worded.  

When it comes to sexism and harassment there are so many lines that could be crossed.  And those lines do differ from person to person (we are certainly each allowed our own boundaries).  Some women feel that the majority of men they interact with are trying to get something out of them.  Some women think that any act of courtesy, like opening a door for a woman, is misogyny.  And then some women think that the rest of those women are crazy banshees who should stop complaining.  And, unfortunately, some women attack anyone who tries to point out that there is a great imbalance between the sexes.    

Allow me to take the middle ground here.  I do not feel it is necessary to reprimand every person who invades my personal space or attempts to demand my attention.  I prefer to be diplomatic when I can and get along with everyone as much as possible.  At the same time, I do have my boundaries and I am not afraid to enforce them.  I believe that both boys and girls should be raised to be assertive, to stand up for themselves as well as others, and to have respect for people who are not like them, whether that means of a different gender, a different race, a different religion - you get the idea.  

I do not want to lessen anything that Amanda Marcotte wrote in It's Really Time for the Harassment to End.  Although maybe I am compromising too much of myself, maybe I'm using diplomacy when I should be suckerpunching people (not that she's saying that).  I'm fairly certain that's how most of the men I know would respond to some of the things I've experienced.

FINDING YOUR VOICE

When I was younger I didn't have the skills or the internal strength to fight back or walk away.  And whether they meant to or not, there were men who treated me in a way that made me fearful.  Now I am stronger and wiser, and possess at least some skills to deal with uncomfortable or unpleasant situations.  But I recognize that not every person feels strong enough to stand up for themselves and I do not think less of them for it.  Those of us who have strong voices would do well to use them when we see that others don't or can't.

TOXIC PERSONALITIES

I wrote recently about "trolling."  It remains a great fear in the back of my mind and when I see other bloggers dealing with it, I step in and help them wherever I can.  I hope that they will continue blogging, but I also understand why people get sick of it.  It is abuse, plain and simple.  It serves no constructive purpose and is harmful to everyone who comes into contact with it.  They benefit no one and they discourage those who haven't found their voice yet from ever finding it.  I suppose that's exactly what trolls are aiming for.  And I cannot begin to understand what makes a person want to be so toxic.

BEYOND THE DAY TO DAY

Aside from the day to day attempts we make to find balance in a world where too many people feel that their gender/sexual orientation/religion/etcetera should dominate and control, there are some very serious issues that get completely ignored.  I'd like to encourage everyone reading this post to check out the Facebook pages for Stop the Worldwide War on Girls and their new sister site, The Silence Stops Now.  Both pages provide information about abuse and violence that women suffer.  Neither are meant to tear down men.  They are about respect.  Equality.  Peace.  Understanding.  Making the world a better place for everyone.  These are the things we should be striving for.

Oh the Humanity

I do not consider myself a particularly fashionable person.  While I have my own style, it's more about comfort and function than being on trend.  But I do appreciate fashion, even if you'd never know it by looking at me, and I do occasionally check out fashion blogs.  I've been pleased to find that my body type is actually represented by some blogs.  And I've found even more diversity since I became a member of CapFabb (Capital Area Fashion and Beauty Bloggers).  Obviously I'm not going to be writing about style or fashion any time soon, but I do write about beauty products on The Thinnest Skin.  Since joining CapFabb I have noted that it is mostly about the fashion world, but my fellow members are a very kind and generous group who take the time to answer all questions, go to each other's blogs and events, and really just support each other in full.  

They also prove that you can be fashionable at any size, in any shape, etc.  I feel my self-esteem rises more from looking at their blogs (and seeing all differents kinds of men and women represented) than it ever could by looking at the advertising in magazines, on television, or on billboards.  I am proud to call myself a member of this extremely diverse group of people (size, shape, age, color, ethnicity, religion, gender, etcetera).  If anything, I feel a bit guilty at times for not participating enough.  Perhaps that is why I feel I would be remiss if I did not state my utter dismay at an article from Washington Post Express that was shared with our group.  I may not be a fashion blogger, but I do support the fabulous fashionistas who brave the blogging world every day, in DC and elsewhere.

Mary and I have had quite a few conversations about haters.  We are often disappointed (and mystified) to find women hating on other women.  We just can't get used to the idea that anyone would find it necessary, but some women seem to consider their entire sex competition and do their best to keep other women from succeeding.  And though this article states that both men and women write fashion blogs, women are clearly targeted (see all of the examples the author lists throughout the post) - men appear to be just an aside here to cover the author's ass.

Jennifer Barger's My Blog, My Self post from August 24th 2012 is a remarkably negative and catty view of fashion bloggers in general.  She seems to typecast all fashion bloggers as insecure ninnies who need regular validation of their fashion sense.  Or "mostly 20-somethings...fishing for compliments...without much useful advice."   Both petty and inaccurate.

I have no doubt that some fashion bloggers fit the bill here, but to throw the entire group into that pigeon hole shows a serious lack of research and some misplaced vitriol.  What self-righteousness!  Criticizing these people for not allowing modeling agencies or fashion magazines to dictate who gets to have their picture taken and shown to the public.  Oh, the humanity!  Thou dost protest too much, my dear.  Your insecurities are showing.  

When I shared this with Mary, she said, "The article itself is pretty shallow.  While there are narcissists who blog about their style, there are many (perhaps more) who are creative, artistic and entrepreneurial.  And why not?  Women are getting their names out to the public - it's a form of networking, of developing business contacts, a career, or just sharing something fun.  To look down one's nose at these people shows a lack of insight into the whole blogging phenomenon."

But don't take it from us, since we don't even blog about fashion.  Instead, read the eloquent and well-researched response that Rachel posted on Fair Vanity.  It is far kinder to the author than I'm feeling right now, but I appreciate that Rachel took the high road.  Don't forget to scroll down - a couple of the bloggers that Barger wrote about left comments under the Fair Vanity post.

One thing I can attest to, though I haven't had the experience on this blog, is that weeding out negative comments isn't a way to make ourselves look good.  It's a way to eliminate trolling.  I have seen some pretty vicious trolling on other blogs and I am fully aware that whether or not my blog is successful, I could easily fall victim to the same thing.  Internet trolls have only one purpose - to harass other people.  You can disagree with me all you like, you can comment in a negative way on one of my posts and I will keep it, as long as it's appropriate (constructive, not offensive).  But if someone leaves a comment that is only meant to harm one of the LostGirls contributors or another reader, of course I'm going to delete it.  I'd also like to note that it's easy to criticize how other people moderate comments when you don't have to. If you'd like to let the editor know how you felt about this article, contact the Washington Post Express at inbox@readexpress.com.