I started writing this post on Wednesday in the late morning. It wasn't until after midnight that I realized I'd been doing all kinds of things to avoid finishing it. My day was extremely productive. Laundry done and put away. Scarf for Jenn finally completed. More boxes packed and moved to the garage. I even snuck in a bit of television while crocheting and waiting for the laundry to finish. But I avoided my computer.
It's not that, after almost an entire month of writing daily, I don't know what to write about anymore. There is always inspiration out there. All one has to do is look.
No, my avoidance is due to knowing I have to face a harsh reality. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I do not regret having moved to the DC Area. The two biggest reasons are (1) I finally got this blog started and look, it's still going - who knew? And (2) I finally had a chance to apply at the company I'd always wanted to work for and figure out if it would be the right fit for me. And though it isn't the exact fit I'd hoped it would be, it is still a job I want to always have, even if I can only do it part-time. Really, it's less a job and more a hobby I get paid for.
But the hard, cold truth is that I was better off financially in California. I had a stable job that paid well and could have moved out of my own place and in with a roommate to save money. And eventually I could have afforded to move to Seattle, which was my long-term goal for the last year or so before I left. I gave up stability to pursue dreams. Sometimes you have to do that and there is certainly nothing wrong with that...as long as you don't run off in desperation...which is basically what I did, I realize now. I have minded living paycheck to paycheck (and barely that) much less than I thought I would. I've become frugal and careful and I'm pretty sure it's what got me into crochet (all the yarn I have was given to me by Mary, so I've only paid for a few hooks and stitch markers).
She hoped to be wise and reasonable in time; but alas! Alas! She must confess to herself that she was not wise yet.
― Jane Austen, Persuasion
However, I've also come to the realization that as amazing as DC is (especially the museums), the DC Metro Area is not a good fit for me. I imagine if you compare the San Francisco Bay Area to DC, then to Seattle, you'll know exactly what I mean and wonder what the hell made me think this would all work out. But I don't hate living here. I just know it isn't the right place for me to stay. And the problem is that I'm not young enough to be living the way I am right now in an area I don't have much interest in.
Another unfortunate truth is that I don't have any money to move. Which isn't to say that it won't happen, it just means I have to...retrench. And yes, I have been watching Persuasion too much lately. Even if I don't mind the idea of cutting some costs where I can, the reality is that it will take a while to save up for this move no matter what I do. Unless I prostitute myself, but then I'd probably get caught and go to jail and have to pay back whomever bailed me out, so let's not even think it.
So there you have it, all the little truths I've been avoiding because I don't like the sound of them, even when it's only in my head. It isn't horrible, it's something to work towards, a light at the end of the tunnel. But it still stinks. Just a bit.
"I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives."
― Mrs. Croft (Jane Austen, Persuasion)