Wednesday, January 1, 2014

An Open Letter to a Ghost

You want the world to change for you.  But you don't want to have to work for it.  You just won't fight.  Not for me, not for love, not for your own happiness, even in your day to day life.  As my friend Jessie said today, it takes effort and bravery to make things better.  If you want this year to be different from the last, if you want your life to be better, you must fight for it.

The funny thing is that the moment you put in that effort, good things will start coming your way.  But if you sit at home or at the bar, feeling sorry for yourself, doing nothing to change your own life, then nothing will continue to happen.

I was willing to put up a pretty good fight for you.  I was willing to make compromises and learn new things and risk a lot.  But no matter how much I put into it, if there is nothing at all on the other side, nothing even trying to balance me out, then all I can do is get over you.  I have to move on.  I can't be in love with a ghost, a shadow, an idea.  And though I imagine I will love you no less, I can't be in love with you anymore.  I mean, I don't know how to stop, but I know that I have to try.  Because my life actually does depend on it.  I can't move forward with anything else when I am constantly struggling alone for something that should always be a two-man effort.  

I proved to myself this year that I am braver than I ever thought I was.  I put my heart out there and I don't regret having tried.   And even though I'm pulling away right now, the sad truth is that I want nothing more than to stay standing still because I know how much I'm going to miss you.  But I also know how much I will regret stagnating, constantly waiting for you to change your mind.  And I know I'm worth more than that.  I know I deserve better.  I just wish that you did.  And hell, maybe you do.  Maybe the truth is that you simply don't think I'm worth it.  The thing is, I have no way of knowing.  And the worst of this has been the non-committal responses, the maybe-ifs, the "you're special."  Fuck that.  What the hell does that even mean?  Don't tell me I'm special to you and then refuse to define it.  It is confusing and all it does is create more heartache.

My hope for you, for all of you, is that 2014 will be a year of clarity and hope.  But if you want it to be good, you're going to have to work for it.  And that's exactly what I'm going to be doing.


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